ACT I
SCENE I. Windsor. Before PAGE's house.
Enter SHALLOW, SLENDER, and SIR HUGH EVANSSHALLOWSir Hugh, persuade me not; I will make a Star-SLENDER
chamber matter of it: if he were twenty Sir John
Falstaffs, he shall not abuse Robert Shallow, esquire.
In the county of Gloucester, justice of peace andSHALLOW
'Coram.'
Ay, cousin Slender, and 'Custalourum.SLENDER
Ay, and 'Rato-lorum' too; and a gentleman born,SHALLOW
master parson; who writes himself 'Armigero,' in any
bill, warrant, quittance, or obligation, 'Armigero.'
Ay, that I do; and have done any time these threeSLENDER
hundred years.
All his successors gone before him hath done't; andSHALLOW
all his ancestors that come after him may: they may
give the dozen white luces in their coat.
It is an old coat.SIR HUGH EVANS
The dozen white louses do become an old coat well;SHALLOW
it agrees well, passant; it is a familiar beast to
man, and signifies love.
The luce is the fresh fish; the salt fish is an old coat.SLENDER
I may quarter, coz.SHALLOW
You may, by marrying.SIR HUGH EVANS
It is marring indeed, if he quarter it.SHALLOW
Not a whit.SIR HUGH EVANS
Yes, py'r lady; if he has a quarter of your coat,SHALLOW
there is but three skirts for yourself, in my
simple conjectures: but that is all one. If Sir
John Falstaff have committed disparagements unto
you, I am of the church, and will be glad to do my
benevolence to make atonements and compremises
between you.
The council shall bear it; it is a riot.SIR HUGH EVANS
It is not meet the council hear a riot; there is noSHALLOW
fear of Got in a riot: the council, look you, shall
desire to hear the fear of Got, and not to hear a
riot; take your vizaments in that.
Ha! o' my life, if I were young again, the swordSIR HUGH EVANS
should end it.
It is petter that friends is the sword, and end it:SLENDER
and there is also another device in my prain, which
peradventure prings goot discretions with it: there
is Anne Page, which is daughter to Master Thomas
Page, which is pretty virginity.
Mistress Anne Page? She has brown hair, and speaksSIR HUGH EVANS
small like a woman.
It is that fery person for all the orld, as just asSLENDER
you will desire; and seven hundred pounds of moneys,
and gold and silver, is her grandsire upon his
death's-bed--Got deliver to a joyful resurrections!
--give, when she is able to overtake seventeen years
old: it were a goot motion if we leave our pribbles
and prabbles, and desire a marriage between Master
Abraham and Mistress Anne Page.
Did her grandsire leave her seven hundred pound?SIR HUGH EVANS
Ay, and her father is make her a petter penny.SLENDER
I know the young gentlewoman; she has good gifts.SIR HUGH EVANS
Seven hundred pounds and possibilities is goot gifts.SHALLOW
Well, let us see honest Master Page. Is Falstaff there?SIR HUGH EVANS
Shall I tell you a lie? I do despise a liar as I doPAGE
despise one that is false, or as I despise one that
is not true. The knight, Sir John, is there; and, I
beseech you, be ruled by your well-willers. I will
peat the door for Master Page.
Knocks
What, hoa! Got pless your house here!
[Within] Who's there?SIR HUGH EVANS
Enter PAGE
Here is Got's plessing, and your friend, and JusticePAGE
Shallow; and here young Master Slender, that
peradventures shall tell you another tale, if
matters grow to your likings.
I am glad to see your worships well.SHALLOW
I thank you for my venison, Master Shallow.
Master Page, I am glad to see you: much good do itPAGE
your good heart! I wished your venison better; it
was ill killed. How doth good Mistress Page?--and I
thank you always with my heart, la! with my heart.
Sir, I thank you.SHALLOW
Sir, I thank you; by yea and no, I do.PAGE
I am glad to see you, good Master Slender.SLENDER
How does your fallow greyhound, sir? I heard say hePAGE
was outrun on Cotsall.
It could not be judged, sir.SLENDER
You'll not confess, you'll not confess.SHALLOW
That he will not. 'Tis your fault, 'tis your fault;PAGE
'tis a good dog.
A cur, sir.SHALLOW
Sir, he's a good dog, and a fair dog: can there bePAGE
more said? he is good and fair. Is Sir John
Falstaff here?
Sir, he is within; and I would I could do a goodSIR HUGH EVANS
office between you.
It is spoke as a Christians ought to speak.SHALLOW
He hath wronged me, Master Page.PAGE
Sir, he doth in some sort confess it.SHALLOW
If it be confessed, it is not redress'd: is not thatPAGE
so, Master Page? He hath wronged me; indeed he
hath, at a word, he hath, believe me: Robert
Shallow, esquire, saith, he is wronged.
Here comes Sir John.FALSTAFF
Enter FALSTAFF, BARDOLPH, NYM, and PISTOL
Now, Master Shallow, you'll complain of me to the king?SHALLOW
Knight, you have beaten my men, killed my deer, andFALSTAFF
broke open my lodge.
But not kissed your keeper's daughter?SHALLOW
Tut, a pin! this shall be answered.FALSTAFF
I will answer it straight; I have done all this.SHALLOW
That is now answered.
The council shall know this.FALSTAFF
'Twere better for you if it were known in counsel:SIR HUGH EVANS
you'll be laughed at.
Pauca verba, Sir John; goot worts.FALSTAFF
Good worts! good cabbage. Slender, I broke yourSLENDER
head: what matter have you against me?
Marry, sir, I have matter in my head against you;BARDOLPH
and against your cony-catching rascals, Bardolph,
Nym, and Pistol.
You Banbury cheese!SLENDER
Ay, it is no matter.PISTOL
How now, Mephostophilus!SLENDER
Ay, it is no matter.NYM
Slice, I say! pauca, pauca: slice! that's my humour.SLENDER
Where's Simple, my man? Can you tell, cousin?SIR HUGH EVANS
Peace, I pray you. Now let us understand. There isPAGE
three umpires in this matter, as I understand; that
is, Master Page, fidelicet Master Page; and there is
myself, fidelicet myself; and the three party is,
lastly and finally, mine host of the Garter.
We three, to hear it and end it between them.SIR HUGH EVANS
Fery goot: I will make a prief of it in my note-FALSTAFF
book; and we will afterwards ork upon the cause with
as great discreetly as we can.
Pistol!PISTOL
He hears with ears.SIR HUGH EVANS
The tevil and his tam! what phrase is this, 'HeFALSTAFF
hears with ear'? why, it is affectations.
Pistol, did you pick Master Slender's purse?SLENDER
Ay, by these gloves, did he, or I would I mightFALSTAFF
never come in mine own great chamber again else, of
seven groats in mill-sixpences, and two Edward
shovel-boards, that cost me two shilling and two
pence apiece of Yead Miller, by these gloves.
Is this true, Pistol?SIR HUGH EVANS
No; it is false, if it is a pick-purse.PISTOL
Ha, thou mountain-foreigner! Sir John and Master mine,SLENDER
I combat challenge of this latten bilbo.
Word of denial in thy labras here!
Word of denial: froth and scum, thou liest!
By these gloves, then, 'twas he.NYM
Be avised, sir, and pass good humours: I will saySLENDER
'marry trap' with you, if you run the nuthook's
humour on me; that is the very note of it.
By this hat, then, he in the red face had it; forFALSTAFF
though I cannot remember what I did when you made me
drunk, yet I am not altogether an ass.
What say you, Scarlet and John?BARDOLPH
Why, sir, for my part I say the gentleman had drunkSIR HUGH EVANS
himself out of his five sentences.
It is his five senses: fie, what the ignorance is!BARDOLPH
And being fap, sir, was, as they say, cashiered; andSLENDER
so conclusions passed the careires.
Ay, you spake in Latin then too; but 'tis noSIR HUGH EVANS
matter: I'll ne'er be drunk whilst I live again,
but in honest, civil, godly company, for this trick:
if I be drunk, I'll be drunk with those that have
the fear of God, and not with drunken knaves.
So Got udge me, that is a virtuous mind.FALSTAFF
You hear all these matters denied, gentlemen; you hear it.PAGE
Enter ANNE PAGE, with wine; MISTRESS FORD and MISTRESS PAGE, following
Nay, daughter, carry the wine in; we'll drink within.SLENDER
Exit ANNE PAGE
O heaven! this is Mistress Anne Page.PAGE
How now, Mistress Ford!FALSTAFF
Mistress Ford, by my troth, you are very well met:PAGE
by your leave, good mistress.
Kisses her
Wife, bid these gentlemen welcome. Come, we have aSLENDER
hot venison pasty to dinner: come, gentlemen, I hope
we shall drink down all unkindness.
Exeunt all except SHALLOW, SLENDER, and SIR HUGH EVANS
I had rather than forty shillings I had my Book ofSIMPLE
Songs and Sonnets here.
Enter SIMPLE
How now, Simple! where have you been? I must wait
on myself, must I? You have not the Book of Riddles
about you, have you?
Book of Riddles! why, did you not lend it to AliceSHALLOW
Shortcake upon All-hallowmas last, a fortnight
afore Michaelmas?
Come, coz; come, coz; we stay for you. A word withSLENDER
you, coz; marry, this, coz: there is, as 'twere, a
tender, a kind of tender, made afar off by Sir Hugh
here. Do you understand me?
Ay, sir, you shall find me reasonable; if it be so,SHALLOW
I shall do that that is reason.
Nay, but understand me.SLENDER
So I do, sir.SIR HUGH EVANS
Give ear to his motions, Master Slender: I willSLENDER
description the matter to you, if you be capacity of it.
Nay, I will do as my cousin Shallow says: I praySIR HUGH EVANS
you, pardon me; he's a justice of peace in his
country, simple though I stand here.
But that is not the question: the question isSHALLOW
concerning your marriage.
Ay, there's the point, sir.SIR HUGH EVANS
Marry, is it; the very point of it; to Mistress Anne Page.SLENDER
Why, if it be so, I will marry her upon anySIR HUGH EVANS
reasonable demands.
But can you affection the 'oman? Let us command toSHALLOW
know that of your mouth or of your lips; for divers
philosophers hold that the lips is parcel of the
mouth. Therefore, precisely, can you carry your
good will to the maid?
Cousin Abraham Slender, can you love her?SLENDER
I hope, sir, I will do as it shall become one thatSIR HUGH EVANS
would do reason.
Nay, Got's lords and his ladies! you must speakSHALLOW
possitable, if you can carry her your desires
towards her.
That you must. Will you, upon good dowry, marry her?SLENDER
I will do a greater thing than that, upon yourSHALLOW
request, cousin, in any reason.
Nay, conceive me, conceive me, sweet coz: what I doSLENDER
is to pleasure you, coz. Can you love the maid?
I will marry her, sir, at your request: but if thereSIR HUGH EVANS
be no great love in the beginning, yet heaven may
decrease it upon better acquaintance, when we are
married and have more occasion to know one another;
I hope, upon familiarity will grow more contempt:
but if you say, 'Marry her,' I will marry her; that
I am freely dissolved, and dissolutely.
It is a fery discretion answer; save the fall is inSHALLOW
the ort 'dissolutely:' the ort is, according to our
meaning, 'resolutely:' his meaning is good.
Ay, I think my cousin meant well.SLENDER
Ay, or else I would I might be hanged, la!SHALLOW
Here comes fair Mistress Anne.ANNE PAGE
Re-enter ANNE PAGE
Would I were young for your sake, Mistress Anne!
The dinner is on the table; my father desires yourSHALLOW
worships' company.
I will wait on him, fair Mistress Anne.SIR HUGH EVANS
Od's plessed will! I will not be absence at the grace.ANNE PAGE
Exeunt SHALLOW and SIR HUGH EVANS
Will't please your worship to come in, sir?SLENDER
No, I thank you, forsooth, heartily; I am very well.ANNE PAGE
The dinner attends you, sir.SLENDER
I am not a-hungry, I thank you, forsooth. Go,ANNE PAGE
sirrah, for all you are my man, go wait upon my
cousin Shallow.
Exit SIMPLE
A justice of peace sometimes may be beholding to his
friend for a man. I keep but three men and a boy
yet, till my mother be dead: but what though? Yet I
live like a poor gentleman born.
I may not go in without your worship: they will notSLENDER
sit till you come.
I' faith, I'll eat nothing; I thank you as much asANNE PAGE
though I did.
I pray you, sir, walk in.SLENDER
I had rather walk here, I thank you. I bruisedANNE PAGE
my shin th' other day with playing at sword and
dagger with a master of fence; three veneys for a
dish of stewed prunes; and, by my troth, I cannot
abide the smell of hot meat since. Why do your
dogs bark so? be there bears i' the town?
I think there are, sir; I heard them talked of.SLENDER
I love the sport well but I shall as soon quarrel atANNE PAGE
it as any man in England. You are afraid, if you see
the bear loose, are you not?
Ay, indeed, sir.SLENDER
That's meat and drink to me, now. I have seenPAGE
Sackerson loose twenty times, and have taken him by
the chain; but, I warrant you, the women have so
cried and shrieked at it, that it passed: but women,
indeed, cannot abide 'em; they are very ill-favored
rough things.
Re-enter PAGE
Come, gentle Master Slender, come; we stay for you.SLENDER
I'll eat nothing, I thank you, sir.PAGE
By cock and pie, you shall not choose, sir! come, come.SLENDER
Nay, pray you, lead the way.PAGE
Come on, sir.SLENDER
Mistress Anne, yourself shall go first.ANNE PAGE
Not I, sir; pray you, keep on.SLENDER
I'll rather be unmannerly than troublesome.
You do yourself wrong, indeed, la!
Exeunt
SCENE II. The same.
Enter SIR HUGH EVANS and SIMPLESIR HUGH EVANSGo your ways, and ask of Doctor Caius' house whichSIMPLE
is the way: and there dwells one Mistress Quickly,
which is in the manner of his nurse, or his dry
nurse, or his cook, or his laundry, his washer, and
his wringer.
Well, sir.SIR HUGH EVANS
Nay, it is petter yet. Give her this letter; for it
is a 'oman that altogether's acquaintance with
Mistress Anne Page: and the letter is, to desire
and require her to solicit your master's desires to
Mistress Anne Page. I pray you, be gone: I will
make an end of my dinner; there's pippins and cheese to come.
Exeunt
SCENE III. A room in the Garter Inn.
Enter FALSTAFF, Host, BARDOLPH, NYM, PISTOL, and ROBINFALSTAFFMine host of the Garter!Host
What says my bully-rook? speak scholarly and wisely.FALSTAFF
Truly, mine host, I must turn away some of myHost
followers.
Discard, bully Hercules; cashier: let them wag; trot, trot.FALSTAFF
I sit at ten pounds a week.Host
Thou'rt an emperor, Caesar, Keisar, and Pheezar. IFALSTAFF
will entertain Bardolph; he shall draw, he shall
tap: said I well, bully Hector?
Do so, good mine host.Host
I have spoke; let him follow.FALSTAFF
To BARDOLPH
Let me see thee froth and lime: I am at a word; follow.
Exit
Bardolph, follow him. A tapster is a good trade:BARDOLPH
an old cloak makes a new jerkin; a withered
serving-man a fresh tapster. Go; adieu.
It is a life that I have desired: I will thrive.PISTOL
O base Hungarian wight! wilt thou the spigot wield?NYM
Exit BARDOLPH
He was gotten in drink: is not the humour conceited?FALSTAFF
I am glad I am so acquit of this tinderbox: hisNYM
thefts were too open; his filching was like an
unskilful singer; he kept not time.
The good humour is to steal at a minute's rest.PISTOL
'Convey,' the wise it call. 'Steal!' foh! a ficoFALSTAFF
for the phrase!
Well, sirs, I am almost out at heels.PISTOL
Why, then, let kibes ensue.FALSTAFF
There is no remedy; I must cony-catch; I must shift.PISTOL
Young ravens must have food.FALSTAFF
Which of you know Ford of this town?PISTOL
I ken the wight: he is of substance good.FALSTAFF
My honest lads, I will tell you what I am about.PISTOL
Two yards, and more.FALSTAFF
No quips now, Pistol! Indeed, I am in the waist twoPISTOL
yards about; but I am now about no waste; I am about
thrift. Briefly, I do mean to make love to Ford's
wife: I spy entertainment in her; she discourses,
she carves, she gives the leer of invitation: I
can construe the action of her familiar style; and
the hardest voice of her behavior, to be Englished
rightly, is, 'I am Sir John Falstaff's.'
He hath studied her will, and translated her will,NYM
out of honesty into English.
The anchor is deep: will that humour pass?FALSTAFF
Now, the report goes she has all the rule of herPISTOL
husband's purse: he hath a legion of angels.
As many devils entertain; and 'To her, boy,' say I.NYM
The humour rises; it is good: humour me the angels.FALSTAFF
I have writ me here a letter to her: and herePISTOL
another to Page's wife, who even now gave me good
eyes too, examined my parts with most judicious
oeillades; sometimes the beam of her view gilded my
foot, sometimes my portly belly.
Then did the sun on dunghill shine.NYM
I thank thee for that humour.FALSTAFF
O, she did so course o'er my exteriors with such aPISTOL
greedy intention, that the appetite of her eye did
seem to scorch me up like a burning-glass! Here's
another letter to her: she bears the purse too; she
is a region in Guiana, all gold and bounty. I will
be cheater to them both, and they shall be
exchequers to me; they shall be my East and West
Indies, and I will trade to them both. Go bear thou
this letter to Mistress Page; and thou this to
Mistress Ford: we will thrive, lads, we will thrive.
Shall I Sir Pandarus of Troy become,NYM
And by my side wear steel? then, Lucifer take all!
I will run no base humour: here, take theFALSTAFF
humour-letter: I will keep the havior of reputation.
[To ROBIN] Hold, sirrah, bear you these letters tightly;PISTOL
Sail like my pinnace to these golden shores.
Rogues, hence, avaunt! vanish like hailstones, go;
Trudge, plod away o' the hoof; seek shelter, pack!
Falstaff will learn the humour of the age,
French thrift, you rogues; myself and skirted page.
Exeunt FALSTAFF and ROBIN
Let vultures gripe thy guts! for gourd and fullam holds,NYM
And high and low beguiles the rich and poor:
Tester I'll have in pouch when thou shalt lack,
Base Phrygian Turk!
I have operations which be humours of revenge.PISTOL
Wilt thou revenge?NYM
By welkin and her star!PISTOL
With wit or steel?NYM
With both the humours, I:PISTOL
I will discuss the humour of this love to Page.
And I to Ford shall eke unfoldNYM
How Falstaff, varlet vile,
His dove will prove, his gold will hold,
And his soft couch defile.
My humour shall not cool: I will incense Page toPISTOL
deal with poison; I will possess him with
yellowness, for the revolt of mine is dangerous:
that is my true humour.
Thou art the Mars of malecontents: I second thee; troop on.
Exeunt
SCENE IV. A room in DOCTOR CAIUS' house.
Enter MISTRESS QUICKLY, SIMPLE, and RUGBYMISTRESS QUICKLYWhat, John Rugby! I pray thee, go to the casement,RUGBY
and see if you can see my master, Master Doctor
Caius, coming. If he do, i' faith, and find any
body in the house, here will be an old abusing of
God's patience and the king's English.
I'll go watch.MISTRESS QUICKLY
Go; and we'll have a posset for't soon at night, inSIMPLE
faith, at the latter end of a sea-coal fire.
Exit RUGBY
An honest, willing, kind fellow, as ever servant
shall come in house withal, and, I warrant you, no
tell-tale nor no breed-bate: his worst fault is,
that he is given to prayer; he is something peevish
that way: but nobody but has his fault; but let
that pass. Peter Simple, you say your name is?
Ay, for fault of a better.MISTRESS QUICKLY
And Master Slender's your master?SIMPLE
Ay, forsooth.MISTRESS QUICKLY
Does he not wear a great round beard, like aSIMPLE
glover's paring-knife?
No, forsooth: he hath but a little wee face, with aMISTRESS QUICKLY
little yellow beard, a Cain-coloured beard.
A softly-sprighted man, is he not?SIMPLE
Ay, forsooth: but he is as tall a man of his handsMISTRESS QUICKLY
as any is between this and his head; he hath fought
with a warrener.
How say you? O, I should remember him: does he notSIMPLE
hold up his head, as it were, and strut in his gait?
Yes, indeed, does he.MISTRESS QUICKLY
Well, heaven send Anne Page no worse fortune! TellRUGBY
Master Parson Evans I will do what I can for your
master: Anne is a good girl, and I wish--
Re-enter RUGBY
Out, alas! here comes my master.MISTRESS QUICKLY
We shall all be shent. Run in here, good young man;DOCTOR CAIUS
go into this closet: he will not stay long.
Shuts SIMPLE in the closet
What, John Rugby! John! what, John, I say!
Go, John, go inquire for my master; I doubt
he be not well, that he comes not home.
Singing
And down, down, adown-a, & c.
Enter DOCTOR CAIUS
Vat is you sing? I do not like des toys. Pray you,MISTRESS QUICKLY
go and vetch me in my closet un boitier vert, a box,
a green-a box: do intend vat I speak? a green-a box.
Ay, forsooth; I'll fetch it you.DOCTOR CAIUS
Aside
I am glad he went not in himself: if he had found
the young man, he would have been horn-mad.
Fe, fe, fe, fe! ma foi, il fait fort chaud. JeMISTRESS QUICKLY
m'en vais a la cour--la grande affaire.
Is it this, sir?DOCTOR CAIUS
Oui; mette le au mon pocket: depeche, quickly. VereMISTRESS QUICKLY
is dat knave Rugby?
What, John Rugby! John!RUGBY
Here, sir!DOCTOR CAIUS
You are John Rugby, and you are Jack Rugby. Come,RUGBY
take-a your rapier, and come after my heel to the court.
'Tis ready, sir, here in the porch.DOCTOR CAIUS
By my trot, I tarry too long. Od's me!MISTRESS QUICKLY
Qu'ai-j'oublie! dere is some simples in my closet,
dat I vill not for the varld I shall leave behind.
Ay me, he'll find the young man here, and be mad!DOCTOR CAIUS
O diable, diable! vat is in my closet? Villain! larron!MISTRESS QUICKLY
Pulling SIMPLE out
Rugby, my rapier!
Good master, be content.DOCTOR CAIUS
Wherefore shall I be content-a?MISTRESS QUICKLY
The young man is an honest man.DOCTOR CAIUS
What shall de honest man do in my closet? dere isMISTRESS QUICKLY
no honest man dat shall come in my closet.
I beseech you, be not so phlegmatic. Hear the truthDOCTOR CAIUS
of it: he came of an errand to me from Parson Hugh.
Vell.SIMPLE
Ay, forsooth; to desire her to--MISTRESS QUICKLY
Peace, I pray you.DOCTOR CAIUS
Peace-a your tongue. Speak-a your tale.SIMPLE
To desire this honest gentlewoman, your maid, toMISTRESS QUICKLY
speak a good word to Mistress Anne Page for my
master in the way of marriage.
This is all, indeed, la! but I'll ne'er put myDOCTOR CAIUS
finger in the fire, and need not.
Sir Hugh send-a you? Rugby, baille me some paper.MISTRESS QUICKLY
Tarry you a little-a while.
Writes
[Aside to SIMPLE] I am glad he is so quiet: if heSIMPLE
had been thoroughly moved, you should have heard him
so loud and so melancholy. But notwithstanding,
man, I'll do you your master what good I can: and
the very yea and the no is, the French doctor, my
master,--I may call him my master, look you, for I
keep his house; and I wash, wring, brew, bake,
scour, dress meat and drink, make the beds and do
all myself,--
[Aside to MISTRESS QUICKLY] 'Tis a great charge toMISTRESS QUICKLY
come under one body's hand.
[Aside to SIMPLE] Are you avised o' that? youDOCTOR CAIUS
shall find it a great charge: and to be up early
and down late; but notwithstanding,--to tell you in
your ear; I would have no words of it,--my master
himself is in love with Mistress Anne Page: but
notwithstanding that, I know Anne's mind,--that's
neither here nor there.
You jack'nape, give-a this letter to Sir Hugh; byMISTRESS QUICKLY
gar, it is a shallenge: I will cut his troat in dee
park; and I will teach a scurvy jack-a-nape priest
to meddle or make. You may be gone; it is not good
you tarry here. By gar, I will cut all his two
stones; by gar, he shall not have a stone to throw
at his dog:
Exit SIMPLE
Alas, he speaks but for his friend.DOCTOR CAIUS
It is no matter-a ver dat: do not you tell-a meMISTRESS QUICKLY
dat I shall have Anne Page for myself? By gar, I
vill kill de Jack priest; and I have appointed mine
host of de Jarteer to measure our weapon. By gar, I
will myself have Anne Page.
Sir, the maid loves you, and all shall be well. WeDOCTOR CAIUS
must give folks leave to prate: what, the good-jer!
Rugby, come to the court with me. By gar, if I haveMISTRESS QUICKLY
not Anne Page, I shall turn your head out of my
door. Follow my heels, Rugby.
Exeunt DOCTOR CAIUS and RUGBY
You shall have An fool's-head of your own. No, IFENTON
know Anne's mind for that: never a woman in Windsor
knows more of Anne's mind than I do; nor can do more
than I do with her, I thank heaven.
[Within] Who's within there? ho!MISTRESS QUICKLY
Who's there, I trow! Come near the house, I pray you.FENTON
Enter FENTON
How now, good woman? how dost thou?MISTRESS QUICKLY
The better that it pleases your good worship to ask.FENTON
What news? how does pretty Mistress Anne?MISTRESS QUICKLY
In truth, sir, and she is pretty, and honest, andFENTON
gentle; and one that is your friend, I can tell you
that by the way; I praise heaven for it.
Shall I do any good, thinkest thou? shall I not lose my suit?MISTRESS QUICKLY
Troth, sir, all is in his hands above: butFENTON
notwithstanding, Master Fenton, I'll be sworn on a
book, she loves you. Have not your worship a wart
above your eye?
Yes, marry, have I; what of that?MISTRESS QUICKLY
Well, thereby hangs a tale: good faith, it is suchFENTON
another Nan; but, I detest, an honest maid as ever
broke bread: we had an hour's talk of that wart. I
shall never laugh but in that maid's company! But
indeed she is given too much to allicholy and
musing: but for you--well, go to.
Well, I shall see her to-day. Hold, there's moneyMISTRESS QUICKLY
for thee; let me have thy voice in my behalf: if
thou seest her before me, commend me.
Will I? i'faith, that we will; and I will tell yourFENTON
worship more of the wart the next time we have
confidence; and of other wooers.
Well, farewell; I am in great haste now.MISTRESS QUICKLY
Farewell to your worship.
Exit FENTON
Truly, an honest gentleman: but Anne loves him not;
for I know Anne's mind as well as another does. Out
upon't! what have I forgot?
Exit
ACT II
SCENE I. Before PAGE'S house.
Enter MISTRESS PAGE, with a letterMISTRESS PAGEWhat, have I scaped love-letters in the holiday-MISTRESS FORD
time of my beauty, and am I now a subject for them?
Let me see.
Reads
'Ask me no reason why I love you; for though
Love use Reason for his physician, he admits him
not for his counsellor. You are not young, no more
am I; go to then, there's sympathy: you are merry,
so am I; ha, ha! then there's more sympathy: you
love sack, and so do I; would you desire better
sympathy? Let it suffice thee, Mistress Page,--at
the least, if the love of soldier can suffice,--
that I love thee. I will not say, pity me; 'tis
not a soldier-like phrase: but I say, love me. By me,
Thine own true knight,
By day or night,
Or any kind of light,
With all his might
For thee to fight, JOHN FALSTAFF'
What a Herod of Jewry is this! O wicked
world! One that is well-nigh worn to pieces with
age to show himself a young gallant! What an
unweighed behavior hath this Flemish drunkard
picked--with the devil's name!--out of my
conversation, that he dares in this manner assay me?
Why, he hath not been thrice in my company! What
should I say to him? I was then frugal of my
mirth: Heaven forgive me! Why, I'll exhibit a bill
in the parliament for the putting down of men. How
shall I be revenged on him? for revenged I will be,
as sure as his guts are made of puddings.
Enter MISTRESS FORD
Mistress Page! trust me, I was going to your house.MISTRESS PAGE
And, trust me, I was coming to you. You look veryMISTRESS FORD
ill.
Nay, I'll ne'er believe that; I have to show to the contrary.MISTRESS PAGE
Faith, but you do, in my mind.MISTRESS FORD
Well, I do then; yet I say I could show you to theMISTRESS PAGE
contrary. O Mistress Page, give me some counsel!
What's the matter, woman?MISTRESS FORD
O woman, if it were not for one trifling respect, IMISTRESS PAGE
could come to such honour!
Hang the trifle, woman! take the honour. What isMISTRESS FORD
it? dispense with trifles; what is it?
If I would but go to hell for an eternal moment or so,MISTRESS PAGE
I could be knighted.
What? thou liest! Sir Alice Ford! These knightsMISTRESS FORD
will hack; and so thou shouldst not alter the
article of thy gentry.
We burn daylight: here, read, read; perceive how IMISTRESS PAGE
might be knighted. I shall think the worse of fat
men, as long as I have an eye to make difference of
men's liking: and yet he would not swear; praised
women's modesty; and gave such orderly and
well-behaved reproof to all uncomeliness, that I
would have sworn his disposition would have gone to
the truth of his words; but they do no more adhere
and keep place together than the Hundredth Psalm to
the tune of 'Green Sleeves.' What tempest, I trow,
threw this whale, with so many tuns of oil in his
belly, ashore at Windsor? How shall I be revenged
on him? I think the best way were to entertain him
with hope, till the wicked fire of lust have melted
him in his own grease. Did you ever hear the like?
Letter for letter, but that the name of Page andMISTRESS FORD
Ford differs! To thy great comfort in this mystery
of ill opinions, here's the twin-brother of thy
letter: but let thine inherit first; for, I
protest, mine never shall. I warrant he hath a
thousand of these letters, writ with blank space for
different names--sure, more,--and these are of the
second edition: he will print them, out of doubt;
for he cares not what he puts into the press, when
he would put us two. I had rather be a giantess,
and lie under Mount Pelion. Well, I will find you
twenty lascivious turtles ere one chaste man.
Why, this is the very same; the very hand, the veryMISTRESS PAGE
words. What doth he think of us?
Nay, I know not: it makes me almost ready toMISTRESS FORD
wrangle with mine own honesty. I'll entertain
myself like one that I am not acquainted withal;
for, sure, unless he know some strain in me, that I
know not myself, he would never have boarded me in this fury.
'Boarding,' call you it? I'll be sure to keep himMISTRESS PAGE
above deck.
So will I if he come under my hatches, I'll neverMISTRESS FORD
to sea again. Let's be revenged on him: let's
appoint him a meeting; give him a show of comfort in
his suit and lead him on with a fine-baited delay,
till he hath pawned his horses to mine host of the Garter.
Nay, I will consent to act any villany against him,MISTRESS PAGE
that may not sully the chariness of our honesty. O,
that my husband saw this letter! it would give
eternal food to his jealousy.
Why, look where he comes; and my good man too: he'sMISTRESS FORD
as far from jealousy as I am from giving him cause;
and that I hope is an unmeasurable distance.
You are the happier woman.MISTRESS PAGE
Let's consult together against this greasy knight.FORD
Come hither.
They retire
Enter FORD with PISTOL, and PAGE with NYM
Well, I hope it be not so.PISTOL
Hope is a curtal dog in some affairs:FORD
Sir John affects thy wife.
Why, sir, my wife is not young.PISTOL
He wooes both high and low, both rich and poor,FORD
Both young and old, one with another, Ford;
He loves the gallimaufry: Ford, perpend.
Love my wife!PISTOL
With liver burning hot. Prevent, or go thou,FORD
Like Sir Actaeon he, with Ringwood at thy heels:
O, odious is the name!
What name, sir?PISTOL
The horn, I say. Farewell.FORD
Take heed, have open eye, for thieves do foot by night:
Take heed, ere summer comes or cuckoo-birds do sing.
Away, Sir Corporal Nym!
Believe it, Page; he speaks sense.
Exit
[Aside] I will be patient; I will find out this.NYM
[To PAGE] And this is true; I like not the humourPAGE
of lying. He hath wronged me in some humours: I
should have borne the humoured letter to her; but I
have a sword and it shall bite upon my necessity.
He loves your wife; there's the short and the long.
My name is Corporal Nym; I speak and I avouch; 'tis
true: my name is Nym and Falstaff loves your wife.
Adieu. I love not the humour of bread and cheese,
and there's the humour of it. Adieu.
Exit
'The humour of it,' quoth a'! here's a fellowFORD
frights English out of his wits.
I will seek out Falstaff.PAGE
I never heard such a drawling, affecting rogue.FORD
If I do find it: well.PAGE
I will not believe such a Cataian, though the priestFORD
o' the town commended him for a true man.
'Twas a good sensible fellow: well.PAGE
How now, Meg!MISTRESS PAGE
MISTRESS PAGE and MISTRESS FORD come forward
Whither go you, George? Hark you.MISTRESS FORD
How now, sweet Frank! why art thou melancholy?FORD
I melancholy! I am not melancholy. Get you home, go.MISTRESS FORD
Faith, thou hast some crotchets in thy head. Now,MISTRESS PAGE
will you go, Mistress Page?
Have with you. You'll come to dinner, George.MISTRESS FORD
Aside to MISTRESS FORD
Look who comes yonder: she shall be our messenger
to this paltry knight.
[Aside to MISTRESS PAGE] Trust me, I thought on her:MISTRESS PAGE
she'll fit it.
Enter MISTRESS QUICKLY
You are come to see my daughter Anne?MISTRESS QUICKLY
Ay, forsooth; and, I pray, how does good Mistress Anne?MISTRESS PAGE
Go in with us and see: we have an hour's talk withPAGE
you.
Exeunt MISTRESS PAGE, MISTRESS FORD, and MISTRESS QUICKLY
How now, Master Ford!FORD
You heard what this knave told me, did you not?PAGE
Yes: and you heard what the other told me?FORD
Do you think there is truth in them?PAGE
Hang 'em, slaves! I do not think the knight wouldFORD
offer it: but these that accuse him in his intent
towards our wives are a yoke of his discarded men;
very rogues, now they be out of service.
Were they his men?PAGE
Marry, were they.FORD
I like it never the better for that. Does he lie atPAGE
the Garter?
Ay, marry, does he. If he should intend this voyageFORD
towards my wife, I would turn her loose to him; and
what he gets more of her than sharp words, let it
lie on my head.
I do not misdoubt my wife; but I would be loath toPAGE
turn them together. A man may be too confident: I
would have nothing lie on my head: I cannot be thus satisfied.
Look where my ranting host of the Garter comes:Host
there is either liquor in his pate or money in his
purse when he looks so merrily.
Enter Host
How now, mine host!
How now, bully-rook! thou'rt a gentleman.SHALLOW
Cavaleiro-justice, I say!
Enter SHALLOW
I follow, mine host, I follow. Good even andHost
twenty, good Master Page! Master Page, will you go
with us? we have sport in hand.
Tell him, cavaleiro-justice; tell him, bully-rook.SHALLOW
Sir, there is a fray to be fought between Sir HughFORD
the Welsh priest and Caius the French doctor.
Good mine host o' the Garter, a word with you.Host
Drawing him aside
What sayest thou, my bully-rook?SHALLOW
[To PAGE] Will you go with us to behold it? MyHost
merry host hath had the measuring of their weapons;
and, I think, hath appointed them contrary places;
for, believe me, I hear the parson is no jester.
Hark, I will tell you what our sport shall be.
They converse apart
Hast thou no suit against my knight, myFORD
guest-cavaleire?
None, I protest: but I'll give you a pottle ofHost
burnt sack to give me recourse to him and tell him
my name is Brook; only for a jest.
My hand, bully; thou shalt have egress and regress;SHALLOW
--said I well?--and thy name shall be Brook. It is
a merry knight. Will you go, An-heires?
Have with you, mine host.PAGE
I have heard the Frenchman hath good skill inSHALLOW
his rapier.
Tut, sir, I could have told you more. In these timesHost
you stand on distance, your passes, stoccadoes, and
I know not what: 'tis the heart, Master Page; 'tis
here, 'tis here. I have seen the time, with my long
sword I would have made you four tall fellows skip like rats.
Here, boys, here, here! shall we wag?PAGE
Have with you. I would rather hear them scold than fight.FORD
Exeunt Host, SHALLOW, and PAGE
Though Page be a secure fool, an stands so firmly
on his wife's frailty, yet I cannot put off my
opinion so easily: she was in his company at Page's
house; and what they made there, I know not. Well,
I will look further into't: and I have a disguise
to sound Falstaff. If I find her honest, I lose not
my labour; if she be otherwise, 'tis labour well bestowed.
Exit
SCENE II. A room in the Garter Inn.
Enter FALSTAFF and PISTOLFALSTAFFI will not lend thee a penny.PISTOL
Why, then the world's mine oyster.FALSTAFF
Which I with sword will open.
Not a penny. I have been content, sir, you shouldPISTOL
lay my countenance to pawn; I have grated upon my
good friends for three reprieves for you and your
coach-fellow Nym; or else you had looked through
the grate, like a geminy of baboons. I am damned in
hell for swearing to gentlemen my friends, you were
good soldiers and tall fellows; and when Mistress
Bridget lost the handle of her fan, I took't upon
mine honour thou hadst it not.
Didst not thou share? hadst thou not fifteen pence?FALSTAFF
Reason, you rogue, reason: thinkest thou I'llPISTOL
endanger my soul gratis? At a word, hang no more
about me, I am no gibbet for you. Go. A short knife
and a throng! To your manor of Pickt-hatch! Go.
You'll not bear a letter for me, you rogue! you
stand upon your honour! Why, thou unconfinable
baseness, it is as much as I can do to keep the
terms of my honour precise: I, I, I myself
sometimes, leaving the fear of God on the left hand
and hiding mine honour in my necessity, am fain to
shuffle, to hedge and to lurch; and yet you, rogue,
will ensconce your rags, your cat-a-mountain
looks, your red-lattice phrases, and your
bold-beating oaths, under the shelter of your
honour! You will not do it, you!
I do relent: what would thou more of man?ROBIN
Enter ROBIN
Sir, here's a woman would speak with you.FALSTAFF
Let her approach.MISTRESS QUICKLY
Enter MISTRESS QUICKLY
Give your worship good morrow.FALSTAFF
Good morrow, good wife.MISTRESS QUICKLY
Not so, an't please your worship.FALSTAFF
Good maid, then.MISTRESS QUICKLY
I'll be sworn,FALSTAFF
As my mother was, the first hour I was born.
I do believe the swearer. What with me?MISTRESS QUICKLY
Shall I vouchsafe your worship a word or two?FALSTAFF
Two thousand, fair woman: and I'll vouchsafe theeMISTRESS QUICKLY
the hearing.
There is one Mistress Ford, sir:--I pray, come aFALSTAFF
little nearer this ways:--I myself dwell with master
Doctor Caius,--
Well, on: Mistress Ford, you say,--MISTRESS QUICKLY
Your worship says very true: I pray your worship,FALSTAFF
come a little nearer this ways.
I warrant thee, nobody hears; mine own people, mineMISTRESS QUICKLY
own people.
Are they so? God bless them and make them his servants!FALSTAFF
Well, Mistress Ford; what of her?MISTRESS QUICKLY
Why, sir, she's a good creature. Lord Lord! yourFALSTAFF
worship's a wanton! Well, heaven forgive you and all
of us, I pray!
Mistress Ford; come, Mistress Ford,--MISTRESS QUICKLY
Marry, this is the short and the long of it; youFALSTAFF
have brought her into such a canaries as 'tis
wonderful. The best courtier of them all, when the
court lay at Windsor, could never have brought her
to such a canary. Yet there has been knights, and
lords, and gentlemen, with their coaches, I warrant
you, coach after coach, letter after letter, gift
after gift; smelling so sweetly, all musk, and so
rushling, I warrant you, in silk and gold; and in
such alligant terms; and in such wine and sugar of
the best and the fairest, that would have won any
woman's heart; and, I warrant you, they could never
get an eye-wink of her: I had myself twenty angels
given me this morning; but I defy all angels, in
any such sort, as they say, but in the way of
honesty: and, I warrant you, they could never get
her so much as sip on a cup with the proudest of
them all: and yet there has been earls, nay, which
is more, pensioners; but, I warrant you, all is one with her.
But what says she to me? be brief, my goodMISTRESS QUICKLY
she-Mercury.
Marry, she hath received your letter, for the whichFALSTAFF
she thanks you a thousand times; and she gives you
to notify that her husband will be absence from his
house between ten and eleven.
Ten and eleven?MISTRESS QUICKLY
Ay, forsooth; and then you may come and see theFALSTAFF
picture, she says, that you wot of: Master Ford,
her husband, will be from home. Alas! the sweet
woman leads an ill life with him: he's a very
jealousy man: she leads a very frampold life with
him, good heart.
Ten and eleven. Woman, commend me to her; I willMISTRESS QUICKLY
not fail her.
Why, you say well. But I have another messenger toFALSTAFF
your worship. Mistress Page hath her hearty
commendations to you too: and let me tell you in
your ear, she's as fartuous a civil modest wife, and
one, I tell you, that will not miss you morning nor
evening prayer, as any is in Windsor, whoe'er be the
other: and she bade me tell your worship that her
husband is seldom from home; but she hopes there
will come a time. I never knew a woman so dote upon
a man: surely I think you have charms, la; yes, in truth.
Not I, I assure thee: setting the attractions of myMISTRESS QUICKLY
good parts aside I have no other charms.
Blessing on your heart for't!FALSTAFF
But, I pray thee, tell me this: has Ford's wife andMISTRESS QUICKLY
Page's wife acquainted each other how they love me?
That were a jest indeed! they have not so littleFALSTAFF
grace, I hope: that were a trick indeed! but
Mistress Page would desire you to send her your
little page, of all loves: her husband has a
marvellous infection to the little page; and truly
Master Page is an honest man. Never a wife in
Windsor leads a better life than she does: do what
she will, say what she will, take all, pay all, go
to bed when she list, rise when she list, all is as
she will: and truly she deserves it; for if there
be a kind woman in Windsor, she is one. You must
send her your page; no remedy.
Why, I will.MISTRESS QUICKLY
Nay, but do so, then: and, look you, he may come andFALSTAFF
go between you both; and in any case have a
nay-word, that you may know one another's mind, and
the boy never need to understand any thing; for
'tis not good that children should know any
wickedness: old folks, you know, have discretion,
as they say, and know the world.
Fare thee well: commend me to them both: there'sPISTOL
my purse; I am yet thy debtor. Boy, go along with
this woman.
Exeunt MISTRESS QUICKLY and ROBIN
This news distracts me!
This punk is one of Cupid's carriers:FALSTAFF
Clap on more sails; pursue; up with your fights:
Give fire: she is my prize, or ocean whelm them all!
Exit
Sayest thou so, old Jack? go thy ways; I'll makeBARDOLPH
more of thy old body than I have done. Will they
yet look after thee? Wilt thou, after the expense
of so much money, be now a gainer? Good body, I
thank thee. Let them say 'tis grossly done; so it be
fairly done, no matter.
Enter BARDOLPH
Sir John, there's one Master Brook below would fainFALSTAFF
speak with you, and be acquainted with you; and hath
sent your worship a morning's draught of sack.
Brook is his name?BARDOLPH
Ay, sir.FALSTAFF
Call him in.FORD
Exit BARDOLPH
Such Brooks are welcome to me, that o'erflow such
liquor. Ah, ha! Mistress Ford and Mistress Page
have I encompassed you? go to; via!
Re-enter BARDOLPH, with FORD disguised
Bless you, sir!FALSTAFF
And you, sir! Would you speak with me?FORD
I make bold to press with so little preparation uponFALSTAFF
you.
You're welcome. What's your will? Give us leave, drawer.FORD
Exit BARDOLPH
Sir, I am a gentleman that have spent much; my name is Brook.FALSTAFF
Good Master Brook, I desire more acquaintance of you.FORD
Good Sir John, I sue for yours: not to charge you;FALSTAFF
for I must let you understand I think myself in
better plight for a lender than you are: the which
hath something embolden'd me to this unseasoned
intrusion; for they say, if money go before, all
ways do lie open.
Money is a good soldier, sir, and will on.FORD
Troth, and I have a bag of money here troubles me:FALSTAFF
if you will help to bear it, Sir John, take all, or
half, for easing me of the carriage.
Sir, I know not how I may deserve to be your porter.FORD
I will tell you, sir, if you will give me the hearing.FALSTAFF
Speak, good Master Brook: I shall be glad to beFORD
your servant.
Sir, I hear you are a scholar,--I will be briefFALSTAFF
with you,--and you have been a man long known to me,
though I had never so good means, as desire, to make
myself acquainted with you. I shall discover a
thing to you, wherein I must very much lay open mine
own imperfection: but, good Sir John, as you have
one eye upon my follies, as you hear them unfolded,
turn another into the register of your own; that I
may pass with a reproof the easier, sith you
yourself know how easy it is to be such an offender.
Very well, sir; proceed.FORD
There is a gentlewoman in this town; her husband'sFALSTAFF
name is Ford.
Well, sir.FORD
I have long loved her, and, I protest to you,FALSTAFF
bestowed much on her; followed her with a doting
observance; engrossed opportunities to meet her;
fee'd every slight occasion that could but niggardly
give me sight of her; not only bought many presents
to give her, but have given largely to many to know
what she would have given; briefly, I have pursued
her as love hath pursued me; which hath been on the
wing of all occasions. But whatsoever I have
merited, either in my mind or, in my means, meed,
I am sure, I have received none; unless experience
be a jewel that I have purchased at an infinite
rate, and that hath taught me to say this:
'Love like a shadow flies when substance love pursues;
Pursuing that that flies, and flying what pursues.'
Have you received no promise of satisfaction at her hands?FORD
Never.FALSTAFF
Have you importuned her to such a purpose?FORD
Never.FALSTAFF
Of what quality was your love, then?FORD
Like a fair house built on another man's ground; soFALSTAFF
that I have lost my edifice by mistaking the place
where I erected it.
To what purpose have you unfolded this to me?FORD
When I have told you that, I have told you all.FALSTAFF
Some say, that though she appear honest to me, yet in
other places she enlargeth her mirth so far that
there is shrewd construction made of her. Now, Sir
John, here is the heart of my purpose: you are a
gentleman of excellent breeding, admirable
discourse, of great admittance, authentic in your
place and person, generally allowed for your many
war-like, court-like, and learned preparations.
O, sir!FORD
Believe it, for you know it. There is money; spendFALSTAFF
it, spend it; spend more; spend all I have; only
give me so much of your time in exchange of it, as
to lay an amiable siege to the honesty of this
Ford's wife: use your art of wooing; win her to
consent to you: if any man may, you may as soon as
any.
Would it apply well to the vehemency of yourFORD
affection, that I should win what you would enjoy?
Methinks you prescribe to yourself very preposterously.
O, understand my drift. She dwells so securely onFALSTAFF
the excellency of her honour, that the folly of my
soul dares not present itself: she is too bright to
be looked against. Now, could I could come to her
with any detection in my hand, my desires had
instance and argument to commend themselves: I
could drive her then from the ward of her purity,
her reputation, her marriage-vow, and a thousand
other her defences, which now are too too strongly
embattled against me. What say you to't, Sir John?
Master Brook, I will first make bold with yourFORD
money; next, give me your hand; and last, as I am a
gentleman, you shall, if you will, enjoy Ford's wife.
O good sir!FALSTAFF
I say you shall.FORD
Want no money, Sir John; you shall want none.FALSTAFF
Want no Mistress Ford, Master Brook; you shall wantFORD
none. I shall be with her, I may tell you, by her
own appointment; even as you came in to me, her
assistant or go-between parted from me: I say I
shall be with her between ten and eleven; for at
that time the jealous rascally knave her husband
will be forth. Come you to me at night; you shall
know how I speed.
I am blest in your acquaintance. Do you know Ford,FALSTAFF
sir?
Hang him, poor cuckoldly knave! I know him not:FORD
yet I wrong him to call him poor; they say the
jealous wittolly knave hath masses of money; for the
which his wife seems to me well-favored. I will
use her as the key of the cuckoldly rogue's coffer;
and there's my harvest-home.
I would you knew Ford, sir, that you might avoid himFALSTAFF
if you saw him.
Hang him, mechanical salt-butter rogue! I willFORD
stare him out of his wits; I will awe him with my
cudgel: it shall hang like a meteor o'er the
cuckold's horns. Master Brook, thou shalt know I
will predominate over the peasant, and thou shalt
lie with his wife. Come to me soon at night.
Ford's a knave, and I will aggravate his style;
thou, Master Brook, shalt know him for knave and
cuckold. Come to me soon at night.
Exit
What a damned Epicurean rascal is this! My heart is
ready to crack with impatience. Who says this is
improvident jealousy? my wife hath sent to him; the
hour is fixed; the match is made. Would any man
have thought this? See the hell of having a false
woman! My bed shall be abused, my coffers
ransacked, my reputation gnawn at; and I shall not
only receive this villanous wrong, but stand under
the adoption of abominable terms, and by him that
does me this wrong. Terms! names! Amaimon sounds
well; Lucifer, well; Barbason, well; yet they are
devils' additions, the names of fiends: but
Cuckold! Wittol!--Cuckold! the devil himself hath
not such a name. Page is an ass, a secure ass: he
will trust his wife; he will not be jealous. I will
rather trust a Fleming with my butter, Parson Hugh
the Welshman with my cheese, an Irishman with my
aqua-vitae bottle, or a thief to walk my ambling
gelding, than my wife with herself; then she plots,
then she ruminates, then she devises; and what they
think in their hearts they may effect, they will
break their hearts but they will effect. God be
praised for my jealousy! Eleven o'clock the hour.
I will prevent this, detect my wife, be revenged on
Falstaff, and laugh at Page. I will about it;
better three hours too soon than a minute too late.
Fie, fie, fie! cuckold! cuckold! cuckold!
Exit
SCENE III. A field near Windsor.
Enter DOCTOR CAIUS and RUGBYDOCTOR CAIUSJack Rugby!RUGBY
Sir?DOCTOR CAIUS
Vat is de clock, Jack?RUGBY
'Tis past the hour, sir, that Sir Hugh promised to meet.DOCTOR CAIUS
By gar, he has save his soul, dat he is no come; heRUGBY
has pray his Pible well, dat he is no come: by gar,
Jack Rugby, he is dead already, if he be come.
He is wise, sir; he knew your worship would killDOCTOR CAIUS
him, if he came.
By gar, de herring is no dead so as I vill kill him.RUGBY
Take your rapier, Jack; I vill tell you how I vill kill him.
Alas, sir, I cannot fence.DOCTOR CAIUS
Villany, take your rapier.RUGBY
Forbear; here's company.Host
Enter Host, SHALLOW, SLENDER, and PAGE
Bless thee, bully doctor!SHALLOW
Save you, Master Doctor Caius!PAGE
Now, good master doctor!SLENDER
Give you good morrow, sir.DOCTOR CAIUS
Vat be all you, one, two, tree, four, come for?Host
To see thee fight, to see thee foin, to see theeDOCTOR CAIUS
traverse; to see thee here, to see thee there; to
see thee pass thy punto, thy stock, thy reverse, thy
distance, thy montant. Is he dead, my Ethiopian? is
he dead, my Francisco? ha, bully! What says my
AEsculapius? my Galen? my heart of elder? ha! is
he dead, bully stale? is he dead?
By gar, he is de coward Jack priest of de vorld; heHost
is not show his face.
Thou art a Castalion-King-Urinal. Hector of Greece, my boy!DOCTOR CAIUS
I pray you, bear vitness that me have stay six orSHALLOW
seven, two, tree hours for him, and he is no come.
He is the wiser man, master doctor: he is a curer ofPAGE
souls, and you a curer of bodies; if you should
fight, you go against the hair of your professions.
Is it not true, Master Page?
Master Shallow, you have yourself been a greatSHALLOW
fighter, though now a man of peace.
Bodykins, Master Page, though I now be old and ofPAGE
the peace, if I see a sword out, my finger itches to
make one. Though we are justices and doctors and
churchmen, Master Page, we have some salt of our
youth in us; we are the sons of women, Master Page.
'Tis true, Master Shallow.SHALLOW
It will be found so, Master Page. Master DoctorHost
Caius, I am come to fetch you home. I am sworn of
the peace: you have showed yourself a wise
physician, and Sir Hugh hath shown himself a wise
and patient churchman. You must go with me, master doctor.
Pardon, guest-justice. A word, Mounseur Mockwater.DOCTOR CAIUS
Mock-vater! vat is dat?Host
Mock-water, in our English tongue, is valour, bully.DOCTOR CAIUS
By gar, den, I have as mush mock-vater as deHost
Englishman. Scurvy jack-dog priest! by gar, me
vill cut his ears.
He will clapper-claw thee tightly, bully.DOCTOR CAIUS
Clapper-de-claw! vat is dat?Host
That is, he will make thee amends.DOCTOR CAIUS
By gar, me do look he shall clapper-de-claw me;Host
for, by gar, me vill have it.
And I will provoke him to't, or let him wag.DOCTOR CAIUS
Me tank you for dat.Host
And, moreover, bully,--but first, master guest, andPAGE
Master Page, and eke Cavaleiro Slender, go you
through the town to Frogmore.
Aside to them
Sir Hugh is there, is he?Host
He is there: see what humour he is in; and I willSHALLOW
bring the doctor about by the fields. Will it do well?
We will do it.PAGE SHALLOW SLENDER
Adieu, good master doctor.DOCTOR CAIUS
Exeunt PAGE, SHALLOW, and SLENDER
By gar, me vill kill de priest; for he speak for aHost
jack-an-ape to Anne Page.
Let him die: sheathe thy impatience, throw coldDOCTOR CAIUS
water on thy choler: go about the fields with me
through Frogmore: I will bring thee where Mistress
Anne Page is, at a farm-house a-feasting; and thou
shalt woo her. Cried I aim? said I well?
By gar, me dank you for dat: by gar, I love you;Host
and I shall procure-a you de good guest, de earl,
de knight, de lords, de gentlemen, my patients.
For the which I will be thy adversary toward AnneDOCTOR CAIUS
Page. Said I well?
By gar, 'tis good; vell said.Host
Let us wag, then.DOCTOR CAIUS
Come at my heels, Jack Rugby.
Exeunt
ACT III
SCENE I. A field near Frogmore.
Enter SIR HUGH EVANS and SIMPLESIR HUGH EVANSI pray you now, good master Slender's serving-man,SIMPLE
and friend Simple by your name, which way have you
looked for Master Caius, that calls himself doctor of physic?
Marry, sir, the pittie-ward, the park-ward, everySIR HUGH EVANS
way; old Windsor way, and every way but the town
way.
I most fehemently desire you you will also look thatSIMPLE
way.
I will, sir.SIR HUGH EVANS
Exit
'Pless my soul, how full of chollors I am, andSIMPLE
trempling of mind! I shall be glad if he have
deceived me. How melancholies I am! I will knog
his urinals about his knave's costard when I have
good opportunities for the ork. 'Pless my soul!
Sings
To shallow rivers, to whose falls
Melodious birds sings madrigals;
There will we make our peds of roses,
And a thousand fragrant posies.
To shallow--
Mercy on me! I have a great dispositions to cry.
Sings
Melodious birds sing madrigals--
When as I sat in Pabylon--
And a thousand vagram posies.
To shallow & c.
Re-enter SIMPLE
Yonder he is coming, this way, Sir Hugh.SIR HUGH EVANS
He's welcome.SIMPLE
Sings
To shallow rivers, to whose falls-
Heaven prosper the right! What weapons is he?
No weapons, sir. There comes my master, MasterSIR HUGH EVANS
Shallow, and another gentleman, from Frogmore, over
the stile, this way.
Pray you, give me my gown; or else keep it in your arms.SHALLOW
Enter PAGE, SHALLOW, and SLENDER
How now, master Parson! Good morrow, good Sir Hugh.SLENDER
Keep a gamester from the dice, and a good student
from his book, and it is wonderful.
[Aside] Ah, sweet Anne Page!PAGE
'Save you, good Sir Hugh!SIR HUGH EVANS
'Pless you from his mercy sake, all of you!SHALLOW
What, the sword and the word! do you study themPAGE
both, master parson?
And youthful still! in your doublet and hose thisSIR HUGH EVANS
raw rheumatic day!
There is reasons and causes for it.PAGE
We are come to you to do a good office, master parson.SIR HUGH EVANS
Fery well: what is it?PAGE
Yonder is a most reverend gentleman, who, belikeSHALLOW
having received wrong by some person, is at most
odds with his own gravity and patience that ever you
saw.
I have lived fourscore years and upward; I neverSIR HUGH EVANS
heard a man of his place, gravity and learning, so
wide of his own respect.
What is he?PAGE
I think you know him; Master Doctor Caius, theSIR HUGH EVANS
renowned French physician.
Got's will, and his passion of my heart! I had asPAGE
lief you would tell me of a mess of porridge.
Why?SIR HUGH EVANS
He has no more knowledge in Hibocrates and Galen,PAGE
--and he is a knave besides; a cowardly knave as you
would desires to be acquainted withal.
I warrant you, he's the man should fight with him.SHALLOW
[Aside] O sweet Anne Page!SHALLOW
It appears so by his weapons. Keep them asunder:PAGE
here comes Doctor Caius.
Enter Host, DOCTOR CAIUS, and RUGBY
Nay, good master parson, keep in your weapon.SHALLOW
So do you, good master doctor.Host
Disarm them, and let them question: let them keepDOCTOR CAIUS
their limbs whole and hack our English.
I pray you, let-a me speak a word with your ear.SIR HUGH EVANS
Vherefore vill you not meet-a me?
[Aside to DOCTOR CAIUS] Pray you, use your patience:DOCTOR CAIUS
in good time.
By gar, you are de coward, de Jack dog, John ape.SIR HUGH EVANS
[Aside to DOCTOR CAIUS] Pray you let us not beDOCTOR CAIUS
laughing-stocks to other men's humours; I desire you
in friendship, and I will one way or other make you amends.
Aloud
I will knog your urinals about your knave's cockscomb
for missing your meetings and appointments.
Diable! Jack Rugby,--mine host de Jarteer,--have ISIR HUGH EVANS
not stay for him to kill him? have I not, at de place
I did appoint?
As I am a Christians soul now, look you, this is theHost
place appointed: I'll be judgement by mine host of
the Garter.
Peace, I say, Gallia and Gaul, French and Welsh,DOCTOR CAIUS
soul-curer and body-curer!
Ay, dat is very good; excellent.Host
Peace, I say! hear mine host of the Garter. Am ISHALLOW
politic? am I subtle? am I a Machiavel? Shall I
lose my doctor? no; he gives me the potions and the
motions. Shall I lose my parson, my priest, my Sir
Hugh? no; he gives me the proverbs and the
no-verbs. Give me thy hand, terrestrial; so. Give me
thy hand, celestial; so. Boys of art, I have
deceived you both; I have directed you to wrong
places: your hearts are mighty, your skins are
whole, and let burnt sack be the issue. Come, lay
their swords to pawn. Follow me, lads of peace;
follow, follow, follow.
Trust me, a mad host. Follow, gentlemen, follow.SLENDER
[Aside] O sweet Anne Page!DOCTOR CAIUS
Exeunt SHALLOW, SLENDER, PAGE, and Host
Ha, do I perceive dat? have you make-a de sot ofSIR HUGH EVANS
us, ha, ha?
This is well; he has made us his vlouting-stog. IDOCTOR CAIUS
desire you that we may be friends; and let us knog
our prains together to be revenge on this same
scall, scurvy cogging companion, the host of the Garter.
By gar, with all my heart. He promise to bring meSIR HUGH EVANS
where is Anne Page; by gar, he deceive me too.
Well, I will smite his noddles. Pray you, follow.
Exeunt
SCENE II. A street.
Enter MISTRESS PAGE and ROBINMISTRESS PAGENay, keep your way, little gallant; you were wont toROBIN
be a follower, but now you are a leader. Whether
had you rather lead mine eyes, or eye your master's heels?
I had rather, forsooth, go before you like a manMISTRESS PAGE
than follow him like a dwarf.
O, you are a flattering boy: now I see you'll be a courtier.FORD
Enter FORD
Well met, Mistress Page. Whither go you?MISTRESS PAGE
Truly, sir, to see your wife. Is she at home?FORD
Ay; and as idle as she may hang together, for wantMISTRESS PAGE
of company. I think, if your husbands were dead,
you two would marry.
Be sure of that,--two other husbands.FORD
Where had you this pretty weather-cock?MISTRESS PAGE
I cannot tell what the dickens his name is myROBIN
husband had him of. What do you call your knight's
name, sirrah?
Sir John Falstaff.FORD
Sir John Falstaff!MISTRESS PAGE
He, he; I can never hit on's name. There is such aFORD
league between my good man and he! Is your wife at
home indeed?
Indeed she is.MISTRESS PAGE
By your leave, sir: I am sick till I see her.FORD
Exeunt MISTRESS PAGE and ROBIN
Has Page any brains? hath he any eyes? hath he anySHALLOW PAGE & C
thinking? Sure, they sleep; he hath no use of them.
Why, this boy will carry a letter twenty mile, as
easy as a cannon will shoot point-blank twelve
score. He pieces out his wife's inclination; he
gives her folly motion and advantage: and now she's
going to my wife, and Falstaff's boy with her. A
man may hear this shower sing in the wind. And
Falstaff's boy with her! Good plots, they are laid;
and our revolted wives share damnation together.
Well; I will take him, then torture my wife, pluck
the borrowed veil of modesty from the so seeming
Mistress Page, divulge Page himself for a secure and
wilful Actaeon; and to these violent proceedings all
my neighbours shall cry aim.
Clock heard
The clock gives me my cue, and my assurance bids me
search: there I shall find Falstaff: I shall be
rather praised for this than mocked; for it is as
positive as the earth is firm that Falstaff is
there: I will go.
Enter PAGE, SHALLOW, SLENDER, Host, SIR HUGH EVANS, DOCTOR CAIUS, and RUGBY
Well met, Master Ford.FORD
Trust me, a good knot: I have good cheer at home;SHALLOW
and I pray you all go with me.
I must excuse myself, Master Ford.SLENDER
And so must I, sir: we have appointed to dine withSHALLOW
Mistress Anne, and I would not break with her for
more money than I'll speak of.
We have lingered about a match between Anne Page andSLENDER
my cousin Slender, and this day we shall have our answer.
I hope I have your good will, father Page.PAGE
You have, Master Slender; I stand wholly for you:DOCTOR CAIUS
but my wife, master doctor, is for you altogether.
Ay, be-gar; and de maid is love-a me: my nursh-aHost
Quickly tell me so mush.
What say you to young Master Fenton? he capers, hePAGE
dances, he has eyes of youth, he writes verses, he
speaks holiday, he smells April and May: he will
carry't, he will carry't; 'tis in his buttons; he
will carry't.
Not by my consent, I promise you. The gentleman isFORD
of no having: he kept company with the wild prince
and Poins; he is of too high a region; he knows too
much. No, he shall not knit a knot in his fortunes
with the finger of my substance: if he take her,
let him take her simply; the wealth I have waits on
my consent, and my consent goes not that way.
I beseech you heartily, some of you go home with meSHALLOW
to dinner: besides your cheer, you shall have
sport; I will show you a monster. Master doctor,
you shall go; so shall you, Master Page; and you, Sir Hugh.
Well, fare you well: we shall have the freer wooingDOCTOR CAIUS
at Master Page's.
Exeunt SHALLOW, and SLENDER
Go home, John Rugby; I come anon.Host
Exit RUGBY
Farewell, my hearts: I will to my honest knightFORD
Falstaff, and drink canary with him.
Exit
[Aside] I think I shall drink in pipe wine firstAll
with him; I'll make him dance. Will you go, gentles?
Have with you to see this monster.
Exeunt
SCENE III. A room in FORD'S house.
Enter MISTRESS FORD and MISTRESS PAGEMISTRESS FORDWhat, John! What, Robert!MISTRESS PAGE
Quickly, quickly! is the buck-basket--MISTRESS FORD
I warrant. What, Robin, I say!MISTRESS PAGE
Enter Servants with a basket
Come, come, come.MISTRESS FORD
Here, set it down.MISTRESS PAGE
Give your men the charge; we must be brief.MISTRESS FORD
Marry, as I told you before, John and Robert, beMISTRESS PAGE
ready here hard by in the brew-house: and when I
suddenly call you, come forth, and without any pause
or staggering take this basket on your shoulders:
that done, trudge with it in all haste, and carry
it among the whitsters in Datchet-mead, and there
empty it in the muddy ditch close by the Thames side.
You will do it?MISTRESS FORD
I ha' told them over and over; they lack noMISTRESS PAGE
direction. Be gone, and come when you are called.
Exeunt Servants
Here comes little Robin.MISTRESS FORD
Enter ROBIN
How now, my eyas-musket! what news with you?ROBIN
My master, Sir John, is come in at your back-door,MISTRESS PAGE
Mistress Ford, and requests your company.
You little Jack-a-Lent, have you been true to us?ROBIN
Ay, I'll be sworn. My master knows not of yourMISTRESS PAGE
being here and hath threatened to put me into
everlasting liberty if I tell you of it; for he
swears he'll turn me away.
Thou'rt a good boy: this secrecy of thine shall beMISTRESS FORD
a tailor to thee and shall make thee a new doublet
and hose. I'll go hide me.
Do so. Go tell thy master I am alone.MISTRESS PAGE
Exit ROBIN
Mistress Page, remember you your cue.
I warrant thee; if I do not act it, hiss me.MISTRESS FORD
Exit
Go to, then: we'll use this unwholesome humidity,FALSTAFF
this gross watery pumpion; we'll teach him to know
turtles from jays.
Enter FALSTAFF
Have I caught thee, my heavenly jewel? Why, now letMISTRESS FORD
me die, for I have lived long enough: this is the
period of my ambition: O this blessed hour!
O sweet Sir John!FALSTAFF
Mistress Ford, I cannot cog, I cannot prate,MISTRESS FORD
Mistress Ford. Now shall I sin in my wish: I would
thy husband were dead: I'll speak it before the
best lord; I would make thee my lady.
I your lady, Sir John! alas, I should be a pitiful lady!FALSTAFF
Let the court of France show me such another. I seeMISTRESS FORD
how thine eye would emulate the diamond: thou hast
the right arched beauty of the brow that becomes the
ship-tire, the tire-valiant, or any tire of
Venetian admittance.
A plain kerchief, Sir John: my brows become nothingFALSTAFF
else; nor that well neither.
By the Lord, thou art a traitor to say so: thou
wouldst make an absolute courtier; and the firm
fixture of thy foot would give an excellent motion
to thy gait in a semi-circled farthingale. I see
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